Two milestones that will help your teen do better in school

I’ve been thinking a lot about growth and milestones.

Sonny had a check up recently and our Doctor confirmed that

🥰 he’s very healthy,

📈 hitting the big developmental milestones,

🧐 has fewer words than other kids his age.

A part of me feels like I should be worrying or stressing out that he’s “behind” but I’m not. Based on everything I’ve read and seen with my own friends’ kids, there’s a generous spectrum for kids learning to walk and talk at their own pace.

When I really think about it, the main reason I’m not worried is because every aspect of his life is anchored in communication. Whether he’s at home or daycare or with his grandparents, there is constant chatter. He’s being socialized, explicitly and consistently, to build this skill.

This isn’t the case with learning or life skills. I wish it were.

Our education system teaches and measures progress with things like reading, writing and math. We don’t do the same with time management, executive functioning or other core skills that are essential for:

• studying effectively,

• getting good grades without a ton of stress,

• developing into a confident, capable lifelong learner

Even while ‘social emotional learning’ has become increasingly integrated and emphasized in schools - which is fantastic - we’re still not teaching kids how to learn, how to get the grades they’re truly capable of, how to reach their potential long after school is over.

Parents often think schools are teaching these skills (they’re not). And schools often think parents are teaching these skills (many try, but weren’t taught these skills themselves and/or their kid doesn’t want to hear it from Mom).

The truth is, it’s nobody’s fault.

The system is designed around subjects. Not skills.

This is why so few students understand what time management is let alone use their own calendar.

Most teens don’t understand how motivation actually works, or know that focus is a skill they can build through practice.

I’ve also worked with scores of college kids who couldn’t tell me what “analysis” is or how to do it properly.

And many of these students? They got A’s in high school.

There are a few takeaways here:

🛑 Grades do not reflect skills. A lot of teens sail through middle school or high school because they’re naturally bright, or get A’s by working hard and thinking that constant stress is the price they pay. School only gets harder and if they don’t learn how to navigate material they find challenging, their grades (and confidence) will plummet.

🪄 Teens don’t magically wake up with strong skills. They’re not socialized to learn how to learn. They’re taught subjects in school, not skills. Strong learning and life skills aren’t something they naturally grow into, they’re not a “given” that a dedicated professional monitors at 6-month check ups.

🧰 Skills are built, not born. Explicit instruction, consistent practice and expert feedback are key to skill-building. This is why I’m not worried about my toddler learning to talk - he’s receiving instruction, he’s practicing and getting feedback - and ceaselessly worried about how many teens are NOT learning how to learn, how to manage their time or self-motivate.

Until the system bridges the gap between what’s being taught and what teens need to learn, here are a couple of milestones to keep in mind (or check off, if you’ve already hit them!):

Grade 6+: there’s a shared vocabulary in your home around skills (e.g. words like ‘metacognition’ and ‘executive functioning’ aren’t foreign to your kids, and they know things like focus and self-motivation are skills they can build).

Grade 9+: your teen has their own calendar (hardcopy planner, Google calendar, whatever) that they use to manage their work (deadlines, self-imposed deadlines, specific tasks scheduled at specific times to meet those deadlines).

Whether your child is 13 or 19 or 25 (= the current age of my oldest client at the moment), it’s never too late to build their core skills. School and life will feel easier and more enjoyable, and who doesn’t want that? 💫 

Talk soon,

Kelsey

PS new referral program is live! If you share this newsletter with a friend and they sign up, you get a free .pdf to help your kids get their work done even when they’re not motivated ⬇️