This small change helps unmotivated or overwhelmed teens

A few nights ago, there was a bomb threat at Sonny’s daycare. The police were called to investigate and let us know they were closing the following day.

My first thoughts - this is scary.

My next thoughts - what am I going to do? I had a packed work day, my husband was out of town, no babysitter available.

It goes without saying that taking care of my son outweighs work commitments; this didn’t stop feelings of stress and overwhelm from having to cancel on people or fail to deliver.

As I found myself getting increasingly worked up, I remembered: reactions and decisions are two different things.

My reaction was feeling upset, on multiple levels.

My decision was to focus on what was in my control and stay calm. I accepted there would be too much screen time, that the day wouldn’t go as planned, but that I’d make it work.

This turnaround happened within minutes, not only because it’s a skill I’ve been working on personally but because it’s a skill I help my students practice each week.

Some ways this shows up with teens and schoolwork:

👉 Feeling unmotivated —> Decision: don’t do my homework.

👉 Feeling overwhelmed by missing assignments —> Decision: tell Mom I’ve “got it under control” even though I don’t.

👉 Feeling like asking for help means I’m “stupid” —> Decision: shut down and refuse support.

We want to teach our teens that feelings don’t have to dictate actions.

If we’re having big emotions or we begin to spiral, we can pause and remind ourselves: we can’t always control our reactions, but we CAN control our decisions.

Instead of waiting to feel motivated, we can decide to start anyway. Instead of hiding the truth or resisting support, we can decide to practice transparency, to problem-solve, to accept help.

Two ways to help your child build this skill:

Name it

Explicitly discussing the concept of reacting vs. deciding means you know that they know that it exists. It’s difficult to build skills when we don’t have the vocabulary around those skills.

Model it

Talking about this with your teen is a start, but modeling it yourself in real time - talking out loud through how you’re feeling vs. the decisions available to you - is extremely powerful.

There’s a ton of research on the (significant) extent to which our kids mimic us, including when it comes to helping them learn new strategies. One study of 200 families found that parents’ stated belief alone about the effectiveness of a specific learning strategy predicted their children’s use of that strategy one year later.

Brief personal anecdote -

I do yoga most mornings. A couple of weeks ago, I’m sitting on the couch, when suddenly Sonny stops playing on his playmat. He walks over to where I keep my yoga stuff, grabs a towel, lays it down, and does a downward freaking dog followed by a three-legged dog. No instruction, no prompting, just…doing what he had seen me do over and over.

Now, this is obviously low-stakes, but the point remains: they are watching and they do imitate what we do.

The bottom line when it comes to teens with school: you don’t have to feel good to make a good decision. And that alone helps us feel much better, much faster.

Speak soon,

Kelsey

Resources & Opportunities

• This is a cool opportunity to create your dream job. The founder of a media and investment company believes that “if someone is talented enough, kind enough and willing to work hard [we will] MAKE A ROLE for them in our company.” He’s inviting people to email him with the title and description of their dream job, regardless of age, university qualifications or experience in the role. If you’re a parent looking for a new position, this is for you too!

• Media & Analytics Summer Associate with Circana. Pays $22/hour but is part-time and remote.

• Software Engineering Intern at AppLovin for Juniors or Seniors pursuing their degree in Computer Science (or Master’s students). Starts this summer in the San Francisco Bay area, lasts 2-3 months, $70/hour.

• Executive Marketing Intern with Adobe for students graduating end of year or summer 2026. Runs from May - September this summer, hybrid, $25-35/hour.

• Critical thinking practice, gamified using conspiracy theories. I went the “UFO” conspiracy route and it was…quite something. Fun and unexpected (in a good way).

Quick Tip 💌 

Don’t say that your teen isn’t good at something, especially in front of them.

I tend to think this is obvious, but I continue to witness this at least once or twice each month: a parent explaining their child’s struggles in school in terms of them not being “good” at writing, or Math, or time management.

It’s never malicious. It’s not intended to harm, but it does.

Consider framing your child’s struggles in terms of what they need to develop, rather than what they lack. 

It’s not about denying struggles or sugar coating them; it’s about taking an asset stance rather than a deficit stance. The former recognizes potential and is empowering, while the latter emphasizes lack and is discouraging.

This small shift can make a huge difference in their confidence and willingness to improve. Instead of saying…

📌"My teen just isn’t good at writing," try: "They’re still developing their writing skills and could use more practice organizing their ideas."

📌 "They’ve never been very good at Math," try: "They’re building their confidence with numbers."

📌"They have no time management skills," try: "They’re learning how to plan their time and break tasks into smaller steps."

How we talk about our kids’ abilities shapes how they see themselves. Let’s make sure they hear a message that helps them grow 💛