3 truths and 1 mindset that can change your teen's life

Fall is in full swing, which means incredible colors, cooler weather and my 3-year-old counting down the days to Halloween (he’s going as a lion and I don’t know which of us is more excited).

Also, the midterm is here. This is generally the time when the optimism of back-to-school meets the reality of our teens’ workloads, and patterns of what’s working (and what isn’t) come into focus.

Given that this is a good time to pause, reflect and reset for the rest of term, I wanted to share a few quick reminders and a deep dive into a powerful mindset that can change your child’s life.

First, the reminders:

1️⃣ Your child is capable and designed to learn.
Even if school feels hard right now, their potential to succeed hasn’t gone anywhere; they just need a reminder of how capable they truly are.

2️⃣ Your child wants to do well.
If they’re struggling, it’s not because they don’t care. It’s because they’re missing the skills, strategies, or mindsets they need to succeed (all of which can be learned).

3️⃣ Your job isn’t to solve your child’s problems.*
It’s to help your teen learn how to solve their own problems. That’s the catalyst to real, sustainable growth and the focus of the rest of this email.

*This is in the context of age-appropriate skills development and autonomy, not psychological, emotional or behavioral challenges that may require parental or professional intervention.

Now, let’s get into one of the most impactful but underused mindsets our teens can cultivate:

The Ownership Mindset

A lack of ownership is a root cause of student struggles, from procrastination to poor time management.

Signs your teen may be struggling with ownership include:

• Avoiding work because they’re “not motivated”

• Feeling like they’re trying but results don’t improve

• Resisting tools like their own calendar or a daily routine

If these sound familiar, your teen isn’t being difficult on purpose. They’re not lazy. They haven’t learned how or why to take control over their learning yet.

I’ve found a lot of teens struggle with taking ownership over their academics because they don’t understand what it means and/or they don’t believe they need to.

They assume that being taught to in class means they’re learning what or how they should; that showing up and listening in class is the work. When they don’t understand something or get stuck on homework, this makes it easy to blame the subject or the teacher or the assignment.

When we flip the script - helping them see that their presence in class is the starting point to success - they can start to see just how much their own learning skills and routines shape their grades and confidence.

Taking ownership starts with focusing on what is in our control.

The school they attend, the teachers they have, the work they’re assigned - not in their control.

But how they choose to engage with schoolwork outside of class? Fully in their control.  

How they approach their work - the extent to which they learn independently, persist through productive struggle, and practice resourcefulness - is a critical factor in their learning and achievement.

Here are a few places to consider helping your teen take ownership:

1) Not doing work because they’re ‘not motivated’

A lot of teens believe they need to feel motivated before they can start their work. This puts them at the mercy of their emotions and reinforces mood-based work completion.

The truth is that motivation is fickle and unreliable. We can’t count on it.

The reframe:

It’s not motivation ⟶ action ⟶ success.

It’s action ⟶ motivation ⟶ success.

Or sometimes just action —> success.

Lack of motivation isn’t a reason to avoid work - it’s a sign to lean on systems that make work possible anyway (like a calendar or daily routine). Ownership here helps teens see the real problem: it’s not about lacking motivation, it’s about lacking a system that supports consistent action regardless of motivation.

Note: building intrinsic motivation is valuable, but it can be a slow and long-term process. This reframe meets students where they’re at today so they can more quickly shift from chronic procrastination to consistent productivity.

The bottom line: motivation isn’t the problem. Their relationship with motivation - the perception that they need it to be productive - is.

2) Saying they’re ‘trying’ but results don’t improve

Many students equate “trying” with time spent, work completed, or good intentions. What we actually want is for them to see “trying” as strategic, focused and consistent work.

They might do all their homework and still feel lost, or study for a test for hours only to get a disappointing grade, and start thinking - what’s the point?

When effort doesn’t generate results, they can feel frustrated and defeated, or assume they’re “just not smart enough.”

The reframe:

It’s not effort = success.

It’s strategic effort = success.

Ownership here means recognizing that how they work matters more than how much they work.

Passively re-reading notes isn’t effective studying, no matter how much time they spend.

Doing homework while scrolling YouTube isn’t multi-tasking; it’s fragmented focus and shallow learning.

Whether preparing for a test, writing an essay or self-teaching a tricky concept, success comes easier when using strategies - clear, simple steps - from start to finish. Every teen can learn and use those strategies in all classes - no guesswork, stress or self-doubt.

Ask your teen to walk you through the strategies they’re using to study or manage their time. If their answer sounds like “just getting it done” or “doing my best” without being able to explain specific steps, that’s a signal they’re relying on effort rather than strategy.

This is an ownership opportunity: helping them shift from surface-level effort to deliberate, strategic learning for better grades and lasting confidence in their own abilities.

Example:

How do you study for a test?

Teen A (effort): I re-read my notes and use the Quizlet my teacher provided.

Teen B (strategic effort): First I identify exactly what’s on the test. Then I carve out time in my calendar to create a study guide, learn the material, and take a timed practice test so I know where I stand a couple days before the actual test.

The bottom line: effort with clear strategy translates to higher grades and more confidence.

3) Resisting using tools like their own calendar

Many students resist using tools like the calendar because they view them as unnecessary or restrictive. They think they can (or should) be able to keep track of everything in their head, or that structure limits freedom or spontaneity.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The reframe:

It’s not tools = restriction.

It’s tools = freedom.

Ownership here means realizing that external tools and systems - like a calendar or afterschool routine - don’t limit free time or independence, they create it.

They enable students to free up mental energy to actually do the work with more consistency and less stress. They can more easily take actions that move them towards their goals instead of wasting brainpower on trivial decisions or thought traps.

Thought traps examples:

• “I’ll remember to do it” ⟶ in reality, they forget, scramble last-minute, and feel stressed.

• “I’ll do it later” ⟶ in reality, without structure, time slips away and work expands until there’s no room left for fun without school stuff hanging over them.

An analogy: working without tools is like trying to carry groceries without a bag. Things keep slipping, you drop items, and the trip feels harder than it should. Tools are the bag: they don’t add a restriction, they make it possible to carry more with less effort.

The bottom line: resisting tools keeps students stuck in a cycle of forgetting, cramming, and stressing. Embracing tools is a sign of ownership, showing they understand that success comes from building a system that makes their life easier than relying on memory or mood.

*****

When teens begin to recognize their own role in shaping results, they start to realize that they’re far more powerful and capable than they thought.

Cheers to that,

Kelsey